


You Were Meant for Me

by IvanW



Series: The Professor-Cadet [13]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Explicit Sexual Content, Gay, Hurt!Jim, Love, M/M, Making Up, Pining, Romance, Starfleet Academy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-10-30 18:49:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10882803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: Eight months into their relationship, Jim and his boyfriend, Spock break up.





	1. Dreams Last So Long

_Dreams last so long even after you’re gone and I know that—_

The song abruptly stopped.

“Not again, Jim.”

Jim looked up from the stuffed purple bear he was clutching to himself as he lay on the couch. Bones stood next to the couch, hands on his hips, looking down at Jim as if he’d lost his corn fed mind. Okay, maybe Bones had said that out loud.

“You turned off my song.”

“Because you’ve listened to that song non-stop every day since—”

“Don’t say it!”

Bones sighed. “Every day. So many times, Jim.”

His bottom lip was not trembling, Jim insisted to himself. “I like the song.”

“Give me that,” Bones reached for the stuffed bear.

“No!” Jim snatched it away.

“For God’s sake, Jim. It’s wet and covered in snot. It needs to be washed. Or better yet thrown away.”

“It-It still smells a little like him. If you wash it, it won’t.” Hell, he really _was_ that pathetic. They’d gone to the stupid fall festival in the, well, the fall, and Spock had won it for him. At a bottle toss game that Spock won so many times they’d finally banned him from it. Spock had declared it entirely illogical to ban him for being an expert at their game.

“When was the last time you had something to eat?” Bones asked, not unkindly.

“Not hungry.”

“Yeah, you are. Get up and go sit down at the table. I’ll make you something.”

Jim forced himself up from the couch and left Bugby on the couch where he’d been laying and headed into the dining room.

“At least you’re dressed today. That’s something. Did you go to class?”

“I went to some of them. And the others the instructors said I could do the assignments on line.”

Bones nodded and started making a pot of coffee. “And did you?”

“No. Not yet. Meant to. But then I put the song on and—”

“Jim. You have to get over this.”

“It’s-It’s not been that long.”

“Three weeks since you…” Bones sighed again. “You and Spock ended things three weeks ago.”

“I didn’t end things. He did.”

“Even still. It’s been three weeks.”

“Is there a time limit to how long your heart can be broken then?” Jim took the carton of cream Bones handed him together with a cup of coffee.

“I don’t expect you to be over it or anything. Not that soon. Especially seeing how much you really loved that stupid hobgoblin. But you have to start easing into other activities, Jim. You can’t let this ruin your career at Starfleet.”

“I know.”

Bones went to the fridge. “Eggs and pancakes okay?”

“Hash browns too.” Jim guessed maybe he was hungry after all. He took a sip from his coffee.

“All right.”

“It’s not fair, you know,” Jim said softly. “I really thought he was meant for me.”

“Yeah.”

“Didn’t you?”

Bones shrugged. “I knew you loved him. And he certainly acted like he was smitten with you. I mean he even asked you to move in with him. And came over for Christmas.”

“And New Year’s.”

“Right.”

“He got me that really swell tablet for Valentine’ Day.”

“Even went with us to the Easter Egg Hunt with Jo.” Bones shook his head. “I don’t know, Jim.”

“Maybe I just wasn’t logical enough for him.” Jim closed his eyes. “Some of my stuff is still at our…his place. God, Bones, I can’t go back there.”

“I’ll get Scotty and Sulu to help me and we’ll go get it. Just tell me what’s yours.” He thrust a plate of eggs and hash browns at Jim. “I’m still working on the pancakes.”

Jim bit his lip. “I love pancakes. You know Mrs. Travers used to make them all the time.” He looked down at his plate. He still got a giant lump in his throat thinking about the lady who took care of him all those years ago on Tarsus IV. But at least he could talk about it now. Sort of. To Bones anyway.

And he’d once mentioned it to Spock after they’d made love—had sex, obviously—which had been a mistake. Spock hadn’t even really reacted. He’d just stared at Jim, his expression devoid of any sign of life as far as Jim was concerned. And Jim had gotten up out of bed and took a shower in the bathroom, trying to pretend the drops of water on his face were from the shower spray. 

When he came out of the shower, Spock didn’t mention anything about it, just handed Jim a cup of his weird spiced tea and Jim had just drank it and didn’t mention it either.

But Jim had thought they’d gotten way past that. That whole thing had been before Christmas and things had gotten better than ever between them. Until it wasn’t. 

“Here you go, Jim.” Bones put a heaping plate of pancakes in front of him with butter and syrup.

He managed a smile. “Thanks.”

Bones sat down with his own coffee. “You know what I think?”

“Aren’t you going to eat anything?”

“No, I ate with Christine before I came home.”

“Oh. What do you think?”

“You need some time away from San Francisco. The short summer break is coming up in less than three weeks now.”

“And where would I go? Riverside? No thanks.”

“No, no. Something far more exotic.”

Jim popped pancake into his mouth. “Exotic.”

“Yeah. Like a real vacation, Jim. The perfect thing to get your mind off the hobgoblin once and for all is to go have a blast on an exotic tropical getaway.”

“I don’t want to go on some trip like that by myself.”

“You won’t. I’ll go. And Christine.”

“Oh forget it. No one wants to be the third damn wheel while you two look all cute and cozy.” Jim shook his head rapidly. “Or I don’t anyway.”

“Well, the point of going is so we can find someone for _you_ to hook up with. So you have so much fun with someone else that you won’t remember what’s his name.”

Jim stared at his friend. “You and Christine already booked this trip for the two of you, didn’t you?”

“Well—”

“I heard you. I’m pretty sure. It’s to Risa. And you’re going to Suraya Bay.”

“Yeah but—”

“There’s no way in hell Christine would agree to have me come along.”

“I can sweet talk her.”

“Bones, no. I love you for even suggesting it. Really. But no. You go on your romantic getaway and have a great time.” Jim sighed. “I’ll be fine.”

“Promise me no more playing that song.”

Jim frowned, but nodded.

“And that you’ll at least wipe Bugby off if not wash him entirely. That thing is gross, Jim.”

Jim’s lips curved in spite of himself. “Yeah, okay.”

“It’s gonna be okay, Jim. You’ll get through this. You will.”

“I know,” Jim said. And turned his attention back to his pancakes.

****

“There’s still time to change your mind,” Bones told him, standing awkwardly in the doorway of their two bedroom apartment that was literally a block away from the academy. At his feet were suitcases packed and ready to go.

“No, there isn’t,” Jim said with a forced smile. “It’s too late to get a ticket and a room and all that. Besides, Christine would have my head.”

“No, she wouldn’t. I told her there was a chance you might come with us.”

Jim shook his head. “Well, you were wrong. Seriously, Bones. Go have some fun in the sun.”

“I’ll contact you—”

“Don’t you dare! I won’t answer if you even try.” Jim hugged Bones. “I’ll be fine. I stopped crying, didn’t I?”

Bones nodded. “Yeah, but—”

“I’ll get through it. I’ll be okay. In fact, I’m going to go see a movie as soon as you leave.” He smiled again.

“Fine.” Bones sighed. “I’ll see you when I get back.”

“You will.” Jim pushed Bones out the door along with his bags and then closed and locked the door after him so Bones wouldn’t come flying back in demanding he go to Risa with them.

Ugh, Jim couldn’t imagine anything worse than being around a lovesick couple.   Or a bunch of lovesick couples. Or a bunch of people who only wanted to hook up. Repeatedly. And maybe he would have totally been into that at one time, but that was before.

Before Spock.

_BS_

And wasn’t that just appropriate.

Fuck Spock anyway for making Jim love him.

Jim went into the kitchen and into the freezer and took out the ice cream. Strawberry cheesecake. He pulled off the lid and shoved his spoon into it.

It was ice cream that started the whole damn thing, now that Jim thought about it.

He was supposed to meet someone at the ice cream parlor about two blocks from the Academy. His mother had commed him and set him up on a blind date. She’d been so mysterious.

_“Well, who am I meeting there?”_

_“I don’t want to spoil it,” Mom said._

_Jim pinched the bridge of his nose as he paced back and forth in his apartment. “How will I know who it is then?”_

_“Point.” She sighed heavily. “Just look for the least expected one. That will be the one.”_

_“Female or male?”_

_“Male.”_

_“At least that narrows it down some. So the most unusual male at the ice cream shop at three o’clock.”_

_“Yep.”_

And so he’d gone.

_Jim stepped into the ice cream parlor as the little bell tingled overhead to announce his arrival. It was unexpectedly busy. It was the kind of place where you got a table and someone came to take your order. Jim didn’t even know such places still existed until his mom set him up to come there. Supposedly this guy was the son of one of her friends. He had no clue why she wouldn’t just flat out tell him who. But his mom could be really weird sometimes._

_All the tables he saw in the front were occupied and by more than one person so he guessed they didn’t include his date. He’d deliberately shown up five minutes late so that his date would be there first and Jim would be able to check him out ahead of time. Of course maybe the guy had the same idea he did._

_He made his way toward the side and to the back, looking around. That’s when he saw the Vulcan male sitting by himself. He was wearing black clothes and already had what looked like a cup of tea in front of him. And he was extraordinarily hot. Like WOW._

_He owed his mom a lot for this. She’d outdone herself. All the previous ones she’d forced on him were duds. But this one…oh my God._

_Jim scrambled over before the Vulcan decided Jim wasn’t coming. For he’d already seen the guy’s eyes straying to the clock on the wall._

_“Hey,” Jim said, breathlessly. “I’m sorry I’m late.”_

_The Vulcan male tilted his head ever so slightly and gestured to the chair._

_Jim sat. Licked his lips. “Jim. Kirk. Jim Kirk.”_

_“I am Spock.”_

_He smiled. “Just Spock?”_

_“Indeed.”_

Jim ordered the same tea as Spock and then they’d ordered a non-dairy version of ice cream they served there that tasted surprisingly good.

He’d learned later that Spock hadn’t been the man he was supposed to meet at all. He never did learn who or why his mother thought the other one was the least expected one, because it hadn’t mattered. Spock had just been there because he liked the tea and the non-dairy dessert, but he’d been very intrigued when Jim had come up to his table so he’d gone with it.

They’d spent hours there talking and then had gone back to Spock’s place. Jim had always heard Vulcans were reserved and standoffish, but Spock never had been with Jim. That first night they’d had sex and after that they had been inseparable.

Jim had been foolish enough to even begin to do some research into Vulcan bonds. He hadn’t done so openly. But rather late at night in his room on his tablet when no one else was around. He never told Spock he was checking it out and really, he hadn’t even told Bones. The only one he’d let it slip to had been his mom on their weekly chats one time. She’d been surprised but encouraging.

Of course, after Spock broke up with him, Jim had been forced to admit to her that he wouldn’t be needing that Vulcan bonding information after all.

He’d started bawling halfway through their conversation. His mom had insisted she was going to come back to Earth and take care of him after she kicked Spock’s ass. But in the end, he’d talked her out of both.

Jim looked down at the carton of ice cream—full dairy kind, thank you—and noticed it was now empty. He’d eaten it all. 

He blew out a breath. If he really was going to see a movie, he’d better get going. He threw the carton away and grabbed his coat. Then he looked back at where Bugby sat on the couch. He’d wiped off Bugby like he promised Bones but even still the bear smelled like Spock. It was getting fainter and fainter. After all, their relationship ended six weeks ago, so there was no reason for Bugby to smell like Spock anymore. He hadn’t been around Spock. Jim or Bugby.

His throat closed and Jim swallowed painfully. He turned his back on the bear and left the apartment.

****

Jim wiped his eyes as he exited the theater. There was a crowd lined up outside to get in and he tried to go around to avoid them, when someone grabbed his arm.

It was Gaila, who he knew from the academy.

“Sad movie?” she asked.

He shook his head. “I saw the comedy.” He extracted himself from her grasp. “See you.”

And that was exactly the problem. Throughout the whole movie, Jim kept thinking. How would Spock react to this? What would Spock say about that? How illogical would that be to Spock? He was making himself sick.

“When did you get so pathetic?” he mumbled to himself. Just as he shoved his hands into his pockets, it started to sprinkle. “Figures.” He secretly hoped he’d get drenched and had no fucking idea why.

He got to the corner where he should turn left to go back to his apartment and instead turned right. In the direction of the ice cream shop he soon realized.

The thing was, Jim had been so sure that Spock loved him. Besides, Spock saying it. Which he had. But it was there in the softening of his brown eyes. There in the way he touched Jim. The way he took care of Jim. He’d been thoroughly convinced Spock loved him as much as he loved Spock. And the truth was Spock ending things between them had blindsided him.

Spock had asked Jim to come to their apartment directly after his classes instead of making any stops. Jim hadn’t thought anything of it. He figured maybe Spock wanted to discuss plans for the upcoming summer break. Spock had been talking about going home to Vulcan, so Jim thought maybe he was going to ask Jim to come with him. Neither of them had met any parents. Jim thought this might be it.

_The minute Jim walked in the door and saw Spock sitting stiffly on the sofa, his back as straight as Jim had ever seen it, and his hands clutched tightly together in his lap, he’d known it was bad news._

_He’d made himself talk about mundane things even as the alarms were going off in his head._

_“Hey, you’re home early, aren’t you?” he asked. “I thought you had one more class to teach.”_

_“I canceled today’s course,” Spock said. There was an odd edge to his voice. Not exactly coldness but lacking all hint of the warmth Jim was used to._

_Jim was tempted to twist his hands together as Spock’s were, but he forced himself to refrain. He sat. “Okay. What did you want to talk about?”_

_Normally, he would go over and give Spock a kiss when either of them came home. That had been the way of things ever since Jim had moved in with Spock a month and a half earlier. But there was nothing at all welcoming in Spock as he sat there._

_“Logic dictates that I state this simply and succinctly. I find it necessary to end our very brief association.”_

_Jim picked up on the very brief even before he’d even thought about the rest. They’d met in September and it was now the end of April. Nearly eight months. Perhaps not long. But very brief?_

_“At the end of this session, I will be resigning my commission with Starfleet and returning to Vulcan.”_

_And now he heard the end our association part. His brain was catching up._

_“What?”_

_“Logic dictates that I state this simply and succinctly. I find it necessary to end our very brief association. At the end of this session, I will be resigning my commission with Starfleet and returning to Vulcan,” Spock repeated exactly, perhaps a little more slowly, as though Jim might have been too stupid to understand it otherwise._

_“You’re breaking up with me?”_

_“Logic dictates—”_

_“Don’t,” Jim cut in. “I heard you the first two times. But-but I don’t understand. I-I thought…but…I love you.”_

_Spock nodded. “While I appreciate your affection and indeed the time we spent in a mutually satisfactory amorous relationship, it has reached its necessary conclusion.”_

_“Necessary conclusion,” Jim repeated, feeling lightheaded. “But you asked me to move in with you.”_

_“An unfortunate error on my part. As I am sure you will eventually conclude yourself, we are not compatible.”_

_“No, I…you were meant for me.”_

_“Negative.”_

_The single word cut cruelly into Jim. And as his heart ached and pounded in his chest, there was one thing Jim absolutely knew for certain. This cold-hearted bastard would never see him cry. He stood._

_“What are you doing?” Spock asked, seeming startled by Jim’s sudden movement._

_“Leaving.” Jim went to the bedroom—their bedroom—and grabbed a duffel bag. He started stuffing his things into it as quickly as he could, ignoring the Vulcan who had also stood to watch him. He thought about saying he wouldn’t steal anything, but really, he had nothing to say to Spock. Not even that._

_He couldn’t take everything right then, so after stuffing his purple bear inside, he zipped the duffel bag up and grabbed it, walking past Spock without even sparing him a glance. He picked up the book bag he’d had with him when he got home from classes and went to the door._

_If Spock said anything, Jim didn’t hear it. His ears were buzzing anyway. He wrenched open the door of the apartment and slammed it on the way out. He felt stupid for doing so because it didn’t make him feel any better at all._

_He’d made it all the way to his old apartment with Bones before he collapsed in a flood of tears._

He’d not seen Spock since.

As the rain became harder,  he stopped outside the ice cream parlor where the heartache had begun. Something caught his eye through the window and he stepped closer.

There at a table near the front of the ice cream shop sat Spock. And he was not alone. There was a student from the Academy with him. Cadet Uhura, Jim remembered. He’d met her at that bar back at Riverside before Pike had convinced him to enlist.

Jim clenched his fists and turned away. His eyes pricked with the burning sting of tears.

He turned back in the direction he’d come and walked in the rain back toward his apartment. Alone. 


	2. Hearts are Broken Every Day

Two Months Later

 

_I'll get over you, I'll get through, and when I do, I'll be good as new, When I get over you._

“Jimmy!”

Jim heard her plea over the loud sound of the thumping bass of the music pounding through his apartment.

“Jimmy! You haven’t kissed me even once since I got here,” Gaila whined, from across the room.

Jim grinned, tipped back his beer bottle, took a long, slow drink, then set it next to guy standing nearest him. He couldn’t quite remember his name.

“Well, sweet stuff, I guess it’s time to rectify that,” Jim said as he approached her.

Gaila grinned back, wide and slyly, as she opened her arms to accept Jim’s embrace. “Rowr,” she said just before his lips descended on hers in a searing kiss. Her arms curled around his neck as she leaned her scantily clad breasts against him.

The doorbell rang.

“Can somebody get that? Probably another complaint about the noise,” Jim said, as his lips trailed down her throat. She wore a gold chain with a pink sapphire egg drop pendant and Jim nipped at the pendant, before returning his lips to hers.

“Jim, it’s for you.”

Jim bit Gaila’s lip and then with a smile turned to look at his friend, um, well, the guy’s name wasn’t important. He was a friend. Of sorts. “What?”

“The guy at the door. Wants to see you.” The dude gestured with his thumb toward the door of the apartment.

Jim kissed Gaila. “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.”

He walked over and swiped up his earlier discarded beer and walked over to the door, sipping beer as he went.

He opened the door and stared out at his visitor.

“The Vulcan consulate is about a block down from here,” Jim said calmly. He went to close the door, but a hand shot out and stopped it from closing.

“I am not looking for the consulate,” Spock replied just as calmly.

Jim raised his brows. “Well, as you can see, I’m busy. And this is definitely not your scene. So—”

“Jimmy.” Gaila appeared, throwing her arms around his neck. “You said you’d be right back. I missed you.”

Jim smiled at her. “I know, honey, I missed you too.”

She glanced at Spock. “Who is this?”

“Nobody. He’s not staying.” Jim pushed at the door until Spock let go and then closed the door in Spock’s face. He pulled her close. “Let’s go fuck.”

“Thought you’d never ask,” she said breathlessly. She grabbed his hand and tugged him toward his room. They had to step over passed out party goers on the way. Gaila had already begun to remove her clothes.

****

“You know why you’re here, Jim.”

Jim yawned and took a sip from the large container of coffee he’d brought with him when he’d been called to see Pike. “Do I?”

“The new semester just started and you’re already in danger of flunking out. You’ve missed ten out of your first twelve classes.”

He shrugged.

“So that’s it? You don’t give a damn?”

“Sure, I do. I know what’s in all those classes. Could probably teach them myself. I could do all the make-up work.”

“Oh, you’re definitely doing make-up work. And you miss one more class this session for _any_ reason, Jim, and you’re out.” Pike leaned back in his chair. “I had to pull a lot of strings to get them to let you stay.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“No, you didn’t. What’s happened to you, Jim? You think I don’t know about the parties?”

“Things get around campus,” Jim said. “I’m sure you’ve heard about them. In fact, there’s one this Saturday if you want to come.”

“No party Saturday.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Better cancel it. Today.”

“My apartment is off campus and I don’t—”

“Oh, yes, you do. You told me you were going to do this in three. And now…I don’t even know what to say about you. You cheated on the Kobayashi Maru.”

“I simply found a way to beat it.”

“By reprogramming the test,” Pike said with disgust.

“It was unfair. And I found a way to prove that.” Jim’s jaw tightened. “Is there anything else, sir?”

“No, there isn’t. But you’re on restriction, Jim. That means you better do everything by the book. You’d better be so clean over the next few weeks you squeak. Or you’ll be gone from here and never back in Starfleet again, if I have anything to say about it.” Pike glared at him. “Is that understood?”

“Yes, sir.” Jim stood up.

“You can turn things around, Jim. There’s greatness in you. But you have to want it. Dismissed.”

Jim walked out of Pike’s office and straight to the lift that would take him to the first floor and out of the Academy’s Admin building.

Bones was waiting. “Well? Did you get yourself kicked out, genius?”

“No. But he was pissed.”

“Well, for God’s sake, Jim, what did you think would happen?” Bones hurried after him when he saw Jim was still walking. “You fucked with their test.”

“It wasn’t just that. It’s the missed classes too.”

“I should never have moved out.”

“It’s not your fault, Bones.”

“I know it’s not my fault, dummy. But if I was still there instead of living with Christine, I could keep an eye on you. All these fucked up parties—”

“Saturday’s party is off, by the way.”

“Thank God.”

Jim stopped at a little café just off campus. “I’m hungry. You hungry?”

Bones sighed. “Yeah, I could eat.”

They went in and got a table by the window.

“You know what I think?”

“No,” Jim replied, as he opened his menu. “But you’re bound to tell me.”

“This is all because of that stupid hobgoblin.”

“I don’t care about him anymore,” Jim insisted. ”He came by the apartment the other day. Did I tell you?”

“No.” Bones scowled. “What the hell did he want?”

“No idea. I wouldn’t talk to him.” Jim smiled at the waitress. “Iced tea, please.”

“Same here,” Bones said. He watched her walk away. “She didn’t even look at me.”

“Oh, Bonesy, you’re adorable and you know it.” Jim grinned, leaning over to kiss his friend’s cheek.

Bones wiped his face. “Cut that out. You’ll give me cooties.”

“A doctor talking about cooties.”

“Didn’t Spock say he was going back to Vulcan and quitting Starfleet?” Bones asked.

Jim had hoped to change the subject, but no such luck. “That’s what he’d said. But who the fuck knows? Obviously all that shit about Vulcans not being able to lie was…well…one big lie.”

“Think he wants to get back with you?”

“No. More likely he thinks I owe him credits or whatever from when I lived there for like a month. Which frankly he can dream on, because he’s never getting anything from me.” If Bones refused to change the subject, then Jim would. “I think I’m going to get the tuna sandwich. What about you?”

“Probably the French dip. With fruit instead of the fries though.” Bones lowered his menu. “You should do the same.”

Jim grinned. “Yes, doctor.”

The waitress came back with their drinks and they ordered.

“How’s Chrissy?”

“She’d not be amused if she heard you call her that. She’s fine. Good even. She’s doing some resident work up at Starfleet Hospital now. Likes it a lot.”

“Excellent.”

“What about you? Got anyone new in your life?”

“Nothing serious, no. I was seeing an Orion cadet, Gaila, for a while, but that’s pretty much fizzled. Or it has since she got pissed at me.”

Bones eyed him. “Why did she get pissed?”

Jim leaned back and sort of grimaced. “She may have found out I may have used her a bit when I passed the Kobayashi Maru test.”

“When you cheated on it you mean.”

“Semantics. And we’ve been over this before. Anyway, it was never serious between us and she admitted she was seeing a lot of other guys at the same time as me. Was just one of those things.” Jim smiled at the waitress as she set his food down in front of him.  After she left, he picked up one half of his tuna sandwich. There was a toothpick stuck in it and attached to that a tiny note.

“Again?” Bones asked.

“She wants me to text her PADD,” Jim replied with a grin.

Bones sighed and looked down at his own sandwich. “This isn’t like you, Jim. Stomping on people’s feelings. Sleeping around. Drinking and carousing.”

“Definitely wasn’t the old sappy me, that’s for sure. Luckily, that moron is gone.”

“You weren’t a moron, Jim. You just fell for the wrong guy.”

“Relationships are for suckers.” Jim sipped his iced tea. “You said so yourself, remember?”

“Yeah, when you first met me. I was still bitter after the divorce. But aren’t I now with Christine? And I have a beautiful daughter from that marriage.”

Jim smiled. “She is beautiful. When do we get to see her again?”

“Jocelyn said she’d send her here for Christmas.”

Jim’s smile widened. “Yeah? That would be awesome. I’m going to spoil her like crazy.”

“Jim, you’re getting off the subject here. Relationships—”

“Are for guys like you. And women like Christine. I’m very happy for you. You guys are perfect together. You’re like two halves of the same soul.”

Bones smiled a little. “Listen to you. Getting all mushy.”

Jim winked. “Can’t help it. You two bring it out in me. Bones, I love you madly. Really. But I’m not looking for anything even remotely serious right now. In fact, I have a lot of make-up work to do and plenty of studying.  I probably won’t even be doing casual for a while. I won’t have time. Not unless I want to get kicked out by Pike.”

“You’re lucky your ass isn’t _already_ out.”

Jim sighed. “I know. I just…I guess I needed a period of mourning or something.”

“Is that what you call it?” Bones asked dryly.

“That’s what I’m going for.”

“Since your stupid party is off Saturday, why don’t you come to our place for dinner? Christine is going to make that chicken cacciatore dish you love so much.”

“Yeah? Awesome. Wouldn’t miss it.”

****

Jim leaned his head on the back of his sofa and sighed. He was exhausted. He’d been working non-stop on doing all of his missed work. Then he was running around campus to make sure he not only didn’t miss his classes, but was early to every one of them. His body was so pumped full of caffeine that he could barely sleep.

And it was getting close to time for his weekly chat with his mom. She would give him hell for what he looked like. He set his tablet down on the sofa. Yes, the one Spock had given him for Valentine’s Day. There was no good reason to get rid of it. Even if it did come from Spock.

When there was a light knock on his door, Jim considered ignoring it. But he had told Sulu he could come by and look at the place since Jim might be looking for a new roommate. He’d love to keep the place himself but well—

Jim went to the door and opened it. He was more than a little surprised to find Spock standing there once more. Dressed in a black instructor’s uniform if Jim was not mistaken.

“If you’re here about the Kobayashi Maru I’ve already been reprimanded.”

Spock tilted his head in that way that Jim used to think was cute. “You were given a commendation for original thinking.”

“Well.” Jim shifted as he held onto the door. “They weren’t happy about it.”

“The test is not why I am here. I do not hear loud music.”

“Right. And you know what else you don’t hear? Me inviting you in.” Jim once more shut the door in Spock’s face. “The nerve,” Jim mumbled as he locked even the deadbolt.

Not that he expected Spock would break the door down or anything. In fact, he suspected Spock would just go quietly away. And when there were no further knocks, he suspected he had the right of it.

And then right on schedule he was notified his mother was on the line for their weekly video chat.

 Jim went to the dining room table where his terminal currently sat. He’d moved it from his bedroom when Bones had moved out to live with Christine. He hit the accept button.

“Hi Mom.”

“Oh my God.”

“Mom.”

She had risen from her seat and her face was now right up close on the screen. “James Tiberius, what has happened to your beautiful face?”

“I’m just tired.”

“You haven’t been shaving.”

Jim winced when he saw up her nostrils. “Can you-can you just back up a little?”

His mom returned to her seat. Folded her hands in front of her in a sort of schoolmarm kind of way. “What have you been eating?”

“Today I had waffles.”

“That’s it?”

“Well, nothing else yet. That was for breakfast. And I’ve had coffee.” Lots and lots of coffee.

“That doesn’t have any nutrition.” She sighed. “It’s not the eating disorder again, is it?”

“No. Mom, I’ve just been busy trying to keep up with everything.”

“When we’re done here I want you to eat something and then go to bed.”

“I’m not actually a kid anymore,” Jim pointed out.

“You’re _my_ kid.” She leaned back. “I still want to kick his ass.”

Jim smiled a little. “I know. And I appreciate it. I do. How are things on the Bradbury?”

“Boring but manageable. The engines need updating, but we’re working on that. How are you like things on your own in your apartment?”

“I like them. But I don’t know. I think I’m going to have to get a roommate.”

“Oh?”

“Or, I don’t know, get a part time job. When I’ll fit it in, I don’t know.”

“I’ll take care of the apartment.”

“Mom—”

“Don’t even try to argue with me. I’m doing it. You have enough to worry about with your courses and everything else.” Her eyes softened. “Jim. I need to make up for everything. Even in small ways like this. Please?”

His chest squeezed. “I don’t care about any of that anymore.”

“Yes, you do,” she said softly. “And so do I. Have some cream of wheat.”

He laughed. “Cream of wheat?”

“You used to love it as a little boy. You called it Ceam o’ wheeze.” She chuckled.

Jim rolled his eyes. “How obnoxious.”

“You were adorable. Don’t tell me you don’t eat it anymore?”

“It’s been a long time,” Jim admitted. “I don’t know. Maybe I will.” He was suddenly overcome by way too much emotion and he didn’t know if it was because of her or because of Spock or both or maybe just himself. But he blinked away the moisture threatening to make him look foolish. He didn’t cry. Not anymore. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too, honey. The Bradbury might get back to Earth by Christmas.”

“Yeah?”

“That’s what they’re saying. I’m hopeful anyway.” She glanced off screen. “I have to go, Jim. You do as I say and eat something and then go to bed.”

“Okay,” Jim agreed. More to just satisfy her than actually intending to do either. “Love you.”

“I love you too. Bye.”

And she disappeared off his screen. He shut off his terminal and went into the kitchen, staring at the replicator. He input cream of wheat and had to smile a little at the lumpy mess that came out a minute later.

He grabbed the bowl and went to the window to look out. It was raining. Once he and Spock had gotten caught in the rain unexpectedly and—

 _Stop_.

Spock was nothing and nobody now.

And Jim had to remember that.

       


	3. I Try and Tell Myself It'll be All Right

_I would like to arrange an audience with you._

Jim had erased that message to his tablet without replying. He had even hovered over the block this person button so that Spock could not send any other messages.

He supposed it was immature of him to refuse to speak with Spock. Maybe. But it hurt. Still.

It hurt still.

Ultimately, he did not block Spock. Three days later, as he was leaving one of his classes he received the message again.

_I would like to arrange an audience with you. Please._

Well, the please was different anyway. This time he didn’t erase the message, he just didn’t reply. Instead he tucked away his PADD and ran off to meet Bones and Christine.

He met them at a coffee shop. Not a tea shop. And definitely not an ice cream shop.

Jim was still surviving on caffeine these days. He’d promised Bones he would cut down on the coffee and he had. But he was popping pills on the side instead. Where before he’d been the biggest slacker on campus, now he was top of every single one of his classes. One instructor had half-jokingly said that Jim answered his questions even before he asked them. He was weeks ahead on every assignment. And still he wasn’t eating and sleeping like he should be.

“Sorry, I ran the whole way,” Jim said breathlessly as he plopped himself down at the table across from Bones and Christine. Her blonde hair had been styled into a bob. “You cut your hair! Looks good.”

“Thank you!” She exclaimed. “This one didn’t even notice.”

Jim grinned. “He’s always been a bit oblivious.” A waitress stepped up to their table. An older woman. Jim flashed a smile as he read her nametag. “I’ll have just regular coffee for now, Madge.”

“Make that a coffee with your house salad, dressing on the side.”

Made wrote it down and moved off as Jim stuck his tongue out at Bones.

“You have to eat, Jim. You’re wasting away.”

“Nah, I’m fine.”

Bones exchanged a look with Christine and then tapped his fingers on the table. “This isn’t what Pike meant.”

“Sure it is. He wanted me to shape up or ship out.” Jim shrugged. “That’s what I’m doing.”

Bones pushed a basket of bread at him. “Eat will ya?”

“I eat.” Jim lifted the material in the bread basket and peered in at it. He chose a roll sprinkled with dehydrated onions. He smiled at Madge when she brought his coffee. “Maybe you’d just better bring me a carafe, honey.”

“Coming right up.”

“Jim—”

“I have cut down, Bones. Honest. But I’m working on a project tonight. Gotta stay up late.”

Bones pursed his lips. “First you were destroying yourself with parties and booze and girls and now it’s overwork.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “I’m not destroying myself. I’m doing exactly what I was told to do.” He smiled at Christine. “How’s the residency going?”

Just as Christine opened her mouth, his PADD beeped again.

“Uh, sorry. Just let me—” Jim pulled it out of his book bag. And looked.

_Please_.

And his heart squeezed.

“What?” Bones asked.

“Spock.”

“What does he want?” Bones scowled.

“To talk to me.” He shoved his PADD back into his bag.

“You know what I think? I think—”

Christine shoved a piece of bread into Bones’ mouth. “I think you should agree to speak with him.”

Jim could see Bones struggling to speak around the bread and Jim had to admit he was secretly amused. Okay, maybe it wasn’t a secret. He turned his attention away from Bones to Christine. “Really?”

“Yes. Look, I don’t know what Spock wants to say to you and you don’t either.”

Bones finally swallowed the hunk of bread and shot his girlfriend a disgruntled look. “Jim doesn’t owe Spock anything.”

“He sure doesn’t,” Christine agreed. “But this is about owing it to himself to hear what Spock has to say. Do you want to go the rest of your life wondering? Going over what-ifs scenarios in your head until you drive yourself crazy?” She smiled. “At one time you were head over heels in love with him. You ate, drank, and breathed Spock. He obviously didn’t handle things well at all, Jim. We all know that. But maybe this separation was a good thing, you know?”

“How?”

“You learned that you could be okay without him. You were hurt, yes. And rightly so. What he did to you was shitty. Even if you go under the assumption that relationships end, sometimes they just don’t work out, the way he did things wasn’t right. Maybe all he wants to do is tell you that. But the point is, you survived.” She took a sip of her drink through her straw. “So yeah, you acted out a bit. But in my opinion you would have messed with the test anyway, wouldn’t you?”

Jim smiled a little. “Yeah. I was tired of failing it.”

She reached over and patted Jim’s hand. “You need to give yourself a break sometimes, Jim. You take everything so deep and then you internalize it and it eats at you. Pretending Spock doesn’t exist? How’s that going for you?”

He bit his lip. “Not well.”

“You should agree to see him, Jim. For closure if nothing else.”

The waitress arrived with his salad and the things Bones and Christine had ordered and then she disappeared again. Jim stabbed at his salad, not really wanting it, but noticing the side eye from Bones.

“Yeah. Okay.”

“I don’t like it,” Bones grumbled.

“No one asked you, honey,” Christine replied.

His friend opened his mouth to argue but then he shrugged and closed it.

Jim grinned. “I really like you, Christine. Have I told you that?”

She grinned. “A time or two. Now eat your salad.”

“Ha!” Bones stuck his tongue out at Jim.

And begrudgingly, Jim began to eat his salad.

****

Once, long ago, when he’d been in high school, not that long after coming back from Tarsus IV, Jim had developed a crush on a girl at school. He was still far too thin and his face had broken out with a severe case of acne. The girl had soundly rejected him. And Jim had been devastated. He still had the scars on his wrists. He’d had a lot of counseling after that and he’d gained weight and got to the point where he could breathe again.

Jim doubted he would ever forget the look on his mom’s face when she’d been at his bedside in the hospital. They’d both cried.

Admittedly, some of the same thoughts had crept in when Spock broke up with him. The thing was, after Jim found out that Spock wasn’t even who he was supposed to meet that night, he’d had a lot of thoughts about what in the world did Spock see in a loser like him. But the more time he spent with Spock, the more those thoughts had disappeared.

There’d been little kinks in their budding relationship. Sometimes Spock didn’t act the way Jim had thought he would and he was sure the same was true for him with Spock. The most notable kink was Spock’s ignoring Jim telling him he was on Tarsus IV. But Jim had gotten beyond that. All of that and had begun to feel good about himself. Secure in the way Spock felt about him. Or seemed to.

When Spock had asked him to move in, Jim had been thrilled. Really Spock was the first real relationship Jim had ever had. Jim had never…done a lot of things before Spock. But he did with Spock and he loved it. Loved Spock. Loved everything.

Until that day.

So yes, for a brief time, Jim went back to his old place. That place in his head that told him he was just a big time fuck up and loser. That voice that had very quickly turned from Frank’s to his own. There had been a time or two he almost walked out in front of a vehicle or he almost bought a bottle of pills. But he hadn’t. He’d gotten through it. With Bones. With Christine. With his mom. Even Pike had helped. He was able to focus on something other than heartache. Other than his own supposed shortcomings.

Christine was right.

If he’d never seen Spock again, it would have hurt badly, but it wouldn’t have killed him.

“Jim.”

Jim blinked into the face of Pike. He’d been standing in the middle of the campus just thinking about everything and hadn’t even realized he’d stopped walking really. “Sir.”

“My office.”

He licked his dry lips and followed after Pike, wondering what he’d managed to do to get himself into trouble this time. He hadn’t thought he’d done anything wrong. He’d squeaked, just as Pike had told him to.

“Sit down, Jim,” Pike said, gesturing to the chair across from his.

Jim sat. He tried not to look as nervous as he felt. He was tempted to ask what he’d done to deserve a reprimand or worse…a dismissal. But he decided to wait it out and let Pike tell him.

“How are you, Jim?”

“Good.”

“Yeah? Because you look like crap.”

“Sir?”

Pike shook his head and leaned back. “You don’t do anything half-assed, do you?”

“Didn’t think you’d want me to, Sir,” Jim said, uncertainly.

“I’ve gotten complaints, Jim.”

“Complaints?”

“Your instructors have said you hacked into their planned assignments, learned what they were in advance, have done them all and turned them in.”

Jim cleared his throat. “Hacked? That’s a bit—”

Pike waved his hand. “Your academic advisor says you’re overachieving.”

“Is that possible, sir?”

“When I talked to you before, my intention was to get you back on track, Jim. Not to have you kill yourself.”

“I haven’t.” Jim smile a little. “My presence here is proof of that.”

“You said you’d do it in three. You’re working your way toward two. If you don’t give yourself a stress-induced heart attack. Jim, I want you to take some time off.”

“Wait. What?”

“Just a week.”

“But you said—”

“I know what I said. Obviously I’m better than I thought I was. You need sleep, you need food. You frankly need to slow the hell down. You’re looking pale and gaunt and wrecked. You’ve shown yourself more than capable to pass your courses for this session, Jim. I want you to take a week off, son. No course work.”

“But—”

“I mean it.”

Jim frowned. “You aren’t in cahoots with Bones, are you?”

Pike smiled. “No, I am not in cahoots with Leonard McCoy. You’ve earned a break, Jim. You’ve more than proven you’re serious.”

“Well, but, what am I supposed to do for a week?”

“Sleep.” Pike gestured for Jim to stand. “Dismissed.”

Jim stood, sighed, and left.

As he walked back to his apartment, he stopped to take out his tablet. He stared at that last message from Spock.

_Please._

Jim shook his head and typed out a message in reply.

_I’m headed home now. If you’d like to come by in an hour._

He hit send.

For some reason, Jim wasn’t the least bit surprised when the response was almost immediate.

_I will be there._

He began to walk then and felt like the biggest fool around when he stopped on the way at a store that sold the tea Spock liked to drink. He bought some anyway.

“Tea drinker, huh?” The girl at the counter asked with a wide smile.

“No. It’s for a friend.”

Her smile fell a bit but then she said, “Must be a _very_ good friend. This stuff is expensive.”

“Yeah.”

“She’s a lucky girl. Want me to wrap it?”

He shook his head. “I’ll take it just like that, thanks.”

She handed it to him. “My name’s Rachel.”

“Hi, Rachel. Thanks again.” And he turned and left.

Jim supposed she was trying to flirt with him or something but he wasn’t really in the mood.

As soon as he got home, he made himself coffee and then he set water to boil for the tea.

At precisely an hour from when he’d sent the message, there was a knock at his door.


	4. What Would I Say if I Had You on the Line?

Spock looked so beautiful that it made Jim hurt. His heart sped up, his stomach twisted and his palms began to sweat. Any chance that he was immune to Spock by now, that he ever would be, flew right out the open door the moment he was faced with Spock again.

The Vulcan was dressed casually in black jeans and a black turtleneck sweater. Somehow it managed to make his austere coolness that much hotter. It didn’t make sense and yet it did.

Jim shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants, his cadet reds because he hadn’t bothered to change, just so he wouldn’t reach out for Spock.

Jim held the door wide and stepped out of the way so he wouldn’t accidentally brush Spock. He wanted to touch him so badly and he just couldn’t.

Spock stepped inside and Jim closed the door behind him.

“I am gratified that you agreed to speak with me.”

“To tell you the truth, I didn’t want to. I didn’t intend to. But a friend told me maybe I should.”

Spock tilted his head. “Then I am grateful to your friend.”

“Yeah.” Jim shrugged as he moved past Spock. “Well.”

He went into the kitchen to fuss with the coffee and tea and to avoid being close to Spock. He could still smell the Vulcan. Spicy and Earthy and so tempting it was no wonder Jim wasn’t shaking.

“I, uh, why don’t you sit there on the couch.”

Spock obediently sat and Jim poured the spicy tea into a mug because he had no delicate teacups like Spock had at their—Spock’s apartment. Funny how he’d live there barely a month and yet it had seem like…home. 

And he felt incredibly foolish bringing tea to Spock. It wasn’t like he wanted him to linger. He just wanted him to say what he had to say and leave.

Explain exactly what he’d meant by, “We are not compatible.”

To Jim it meant Jim was not Vulcan. Not worthy. All the same to him.

He approached Spock cautiously, like maybe Spock would hit him, which made him mad at himself. He was _not_ afraid of Spock. He was not afraid of _anyone_.

Jim clenched his jaw and thrust the mug at Spock. “Here. And start talking.”

Spock was seated on the sofa so Jim sat in a solo chair situated the opposite side of where Spock sat on the couch. Distance was ideal.

Spock stared down into the tea Jim had given him. “This is—”

“Yeah. I had it left over. From before,” Jim insisted.

Spock nodded. “I…am at a loss as to how to begin.”

“Okay. Let me help. How many lies did you tell me?”

Spock glanced up quickly. “Lies?”

“Well, as I recall you told me you were leaving Earth to return to Vulcan and resigning your commission. Yet here you are. And I saw you wearing your instructor uniform before,” Jim pointed out.

“Those were not lies. I did both.”

“Yet here you are.”

“I have returned.”

“How long have you been seeing Uhura?” Jim asked when Spock did not continue.

“Seeing?” Spock shook his head. “As I understand your reference, you are referring to a romantic interest. I am not interested in Nyota in that way. She is a friend.”

“So you go around choosing friends that hate me?”

“Nyota does not hate you.”

Jim found himself rising from the couch and pacing. “You know what? I don’t want to talk about her. She has nothing to do with me. With us. With what you did. Look, I get that couples breakup. Not everything works out. I’m not stupid or naïve. Just because you were-just because I’d never—”

“Jim.”

Jim’s jaw went so rigid he swore it would snap. “You know what? I know I let you come here so I could hear your explanation for why you dumped me without any warning whatsoever or whatever else you planned to tell me. But now, what I really want is for _you_ to listen to _me_.”

Spock was watching him closely. Cautiously. “Very well.”

Jim returned to his seat because his agitated pacing was even making him nuts. “Love doesn’t last. No matter what the fairytales try to tell you. My mom held onto memories and love of my dad for so many years and I finally figured out why. Because he died before everything could change. They still had love. They hadn’t discovered that it was fleeting.” Jim looked down at his hands. “Eventually, she would have learned he no longer loved her. Or she would have realized she no longer loved him. Maybe both. I don’t know. But him being killed, well, she was spared from that anyway.”

“Jim,” Spock said softly. “Do you…have you decided you no longer love me?”

His gaze rose, bore into Spock. “I don’t love you. I hate you.”

Spock visibly flinched which for a Vulcan to show anything other than passivity was something.

“But I never said, I never claimed that I didn’t lie. Humans lie all the time. And telling you that I don’t love you and that I hate you is an easy one. I’ve told it to myself a lot since you broke up with me.”

He let out a shaky breath and looked away.

“You are very convincing at it,” Spock replied quietly.

“The point is…love is not forever. I know that. If we’d been having problems, if you had given any indication whatsoever that I wasn’t what you wanted before that point, I guess-I guess I would have been at least somewhat prepared for it. But everything was great. I thought it was anyway.” He licked his dry lips. “Maybe there were signs that I didn’t notice? I don’t know.”

“There were not. Everything was perfect.”

Jim laughed at that, though it was far from funny. “Obviously not. You had every right to break up with me. We’re owed nothing in this life. Happiness chief among the things we are not owed. But I expected at minimum some kind of respect. You don’t love me, that’s hardly surprising. But you could have, I don’t know, let me know before I uprooted my whole life to live with you, because I thought you wanted the same thing I did.”

“My behavior on that day was abominable.”

“When I was born, Mom returned to Earth with me. They’d left my older brother, George Samuel, with my dad’s parents. When Mom had the baby, they were supposed to return to Earth anyway. Dad was going to be stationed at HQ instead of on a ship. Mom had no idea what to do with two little boys and her grief. She couldn’t deal with both so she dumped me and Sam on ever-changing relatives. Dad’s parents were old and they couldn’t handle two little boys either. We were passed around all over the place. None of them wanted us. I don’t remember feeling loved by any of them.

When I was four, Mom came to collect us. She’d met a guy named Frank that she was shacking up with. We went back to Riverside and the farmhouse where I guess her family lived before we were ever born. Mom never married Frank or anything but I guess she figured he was okay to take care of us when she got herself assigned up in space again. She couldn’t do it because whenever she looked at me, whenever she looked at Sam, she’d just start crying. I think maybe she gave him some money because I remember once he mumbled something about not getting enough for this when he was kicking the holy shit out of Sam one day.”

Jim swallowed heavily. God only knew why he was bothering to say any of this. It wouldn’t make Spock love him. It wouldn’t change a thing, really.

“I hated it so much when Frank would beat Sam that I used to try and get him to beat me instead. If Sam acted out, I did it twice as badly. Most of the time it worked too. I’m sure you’ve noticed most of the scars. But despite me taking most of the worse beatings, Sam didn’t love me. He didn’t want to protect me. Didn’t care about me at all. So when he could, he took off. I begged him not to. And he didn’t care. Frank, well, Frank acted like he always did and told me I was nothing and to get back to chores. I was-I was so sick of it all that I took an old classic car and drove off in it. Drove it over a cliff almost with me in it. I wished I had been at the time. I was intending to be. But I don’t know, at the last minute I jumped out. Cops brought me home and Frank beat me so badly I ended up in the hospital.

And that was finally the last straw for Mom. She got rid of him. Thing was, she was still in space and she was out of favors with people she knew on Earth. So she sent me to Tarsus IV.”

Jim looked back at Spock for the first time in several minutes. He was listening but his expression was carefully neutral.

“I tried to tell you about that, but you, well, you didn’t want to hear about it. Or didn’t care.”

“I did care, Jim. I was…uncertain what reaction you expected.”

Jim shook his head. “A little bit of empathy would have been nice. I don’t know, Spock. Maybe that was the sign I should have seen that maybe you just didn’t feel the way about me that I thought you should.”

“I wanted to hold you and tell you everything would be all right but I did not know how. And clearly they were not all right given what happened to you there.”

“You didn’t say anything.”

Spock clenched his hands in his lap. “Before you had told me I had learned that you had been on Tarsus IV through a disclosure in one of your academic files and I had researched details about it that were mostly classified. It was difficult to read about, especially knowing you were one of the victims. I could not process such atrocities. I wished to discuss it with you but did not believe you would be receptive to the disclosure that I had been researching it. That night I was unprepared when you-when you revealed what occurred. I do not handle emotions in the same manner as humans, Jim. In many ways, Vulcans feel more deeply than humans, but we are taught that to-to express such-to even experience them is to feel shame. I was close to an emotional display that would have rendered me incapable of maintaining Vulcan control, something I have struggled with endlessly.”

“So you shut me down.”

Spock nodded slowly. “In choosing to maintain my Vulcan control, I harmed you instead, and for that, there is no way to make amends. I shamed myself anyway.”

Jim closed his eyes briefly and then leaned back in his chair, resting his head so that he was staring at the ceiling.

“When I came back from Tarsus IV, Mom took a leave from Starfleet to care for me. We settled back into Riverside, just the two of us. But I was so fucked up. And so was she really. I was nothing but skin and bones and it took a lot to get me to eat.” Tears stung  the corners of his eyes but he would not give into them. “Even now, I still struggle with so many eating disorders. Sometimes I can’t get enough and other times I feel guilty for eating anything and then there are times when food tastes like sawdust. Every single day I talked to yet one more counselor. I never felt like any of them cared about me. Not really. Mom had hired them. Even the lady who I stayed with on Tarsus, Mrs. Travers, she used to make me pancakes and stuff before it all happened. She was really nice. But Mom paid her. Mom cared about me because she had to. I was her kid and she felt guilty. For the longest time she wouldn’t even say she loved me. I used to tell her all the time then, you know? Because I just-just needed…” A tear fell and Jim let it. “I fell for this girl in high school. She was pretty and seemed sweet and there were even times she was nice to me. She’d smile and say hi. And then one of the other guys told me she liked me. And I guess I was really stupid because I believed him and I sent her a note. But it was a joke. She didn’t. All that time she’d been laughing at me and calling me names behind my back.” Jim lifted his head and stared down at his wrists. “I woke up in the hospital and _that’s_ when Mom told me she loved me.  For the longest time after that I thought she said it because she thought she had to.”

Jim raised his hand to his face and pressed against his temples.

“This is so stupid,” he said angrily. He rose again, pacing in agitation. “Why am I even telling you this? You don’t care. You don’t give a crap about any of this. How pathetic I am. You came here to tell me why you don’t want to be here or—actually I don’t even know why the hell you’re here, Spock. What could you possibly have to say to me at this point? What the fuck is your motivation?”

There were so many emotion in Spock’s dark eyes Jim couldn’t even put names to all of it. “I wished to tell you that I was in error.”

Jim stopped pacing to stare at him. “What?”

“Please. Will you sit? I would like you to listen.”

Jim sat. Or he thought he did. He was suddenly sort of numb. And drained of energy.

Spock’s Adam’s apple bobbed. “You are…everything.”

“Spock—”

“Please. Allow me to speak. Several circumstances occurred at once to conspire against my wishes and force me to behave toward you in such a reprehensible way. When I told you that my intention was to quit Starfleet and return to Vulcan, that was my plan. I never intended to come back to Earth or to you, though rejecting and denying you was anathema to me.”

Jim forced himself to remain quiet though he had a million questions. Spock would tell him in his own time, even if Jim was impatient about it.

“My mother contacted me pleading with me to return to Vulcan as my father was quite ill. No one at that time knew what was wrong him but his condition was grave. She was frightened and wished for my presence. No one would tell her anything. In order to fulfill her request, I would need to take a lengthy leave of absence from Starfleet. Not knowing what I faced or how much time, I was inclined to think it would be better for me to withdraw.” Spock stared at Jim. “I considered asking you to come with me but I did not want to force you to do the same. With only a few weeks to go with the current semester I advised that I would leave at the end of it with the intention of going to Vulcan. “

“Spock, why didn’t you—”

“I did not know if I would ever return. How could I ask that of you? How could I expect you to want to be with me with such distance? I could not. So I thought it was best to tell you we were not compatible. The moment you left I was bereft, but I resolved to let you go. I had become friendly with Nyota over a mutual preference for tea and music. She could not fail to notice my change in behavior and when I explained what happened, it was her advice to seek you out. I had intended to do so. Maybe I had not thought it through. Perhaps I had been too hasty. A logical solution might be possible.”

“But-but you didn’t.”

“No. As I was deciding how best to go about it, I was contacted again. I was bonded to a Vulcan female as a child.”

“I thought it was a possibility,” Jim replied.

Spock did that head tilt thing he did. “You did?”

Jim flushed red. “I did-I did some research on Vulcan bonds. When I thought…it doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter,” Spock returned. “I did not speak of my bond to T’Pring with you because I anticipated being able to dissolve it before it ever became a concern for me. T’Pring did not choose to be bonded to me any more than I did to her.  It was a simple ceremonial thing I fully intended to sever when the time was right. However, I received word as I was preparing to make contact with you before my departure that T’Pring had prematurely entered into her-her time.”

“Pon Farr?”

Spock blinked. “More research?”

‘Yes.”

“No one was certain what triggered her but she was in danger of dying if she did not complete the mating,” Spock explained. “Her lover, Stonn, was not presently on Vulcan and was unreachable on a science vessel. My father asked me to come to Vulcan to fulfill the bond so that T’Pring may live.”

“You could have told me—”

“There is more. He also advised me that his condition had worsened and the Vulcan healers suspected he had somehow become exposed to a rare disease amongst Vulcans that is almost always fatal.”

“And so you were doubly pressured to go home to Vulcan.”

“Yes,” Spock admitted. “My refusal of the Vulcan Science Academy in favor of Starfleet had always been contentious between us. He requested that I return to Vulcan to live with my mate and to the Science Academy. Anything less would be both irresponsible and illogical.”

Jim exhaled slowly. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”

“Because I-because I did not want any of it to be true. It was never my intention to love you, but once I came to know you, there was no other choice for me. I do not know where I begin and end without you.”

Jim looked away when the emotion began to build behind his eyes again.

“And yet I did not trust you with any of this,” Spock said, his voice whisper soft. “I feared your reaction. And part of me…when we first met, I thought your interest in me was simply because I was different. I did not know that I would be your first as you were mine. As you said earlier, I thought perhaps love was a myth, a fleeting thing that could never last, not truly, and yours would not last for me when you discovered how very cold and devoid of all life I was compared to someone of such beauty and passion as yourself.” Spock closed his eyes. “Trust is not easy for me. When I was a child I had a friend, or, someone who I thought a friend, and yet he turned against me to mock me with the other children for being neither human nor Vulcan. Torn between two worlds.”

For a moment they both fell silent and the only sound in the room was the falling rain that had begun outside. It was just a small shower, really, but it was loud in the quiet of their thoughts.

“I intended to seek solace in Kolinahr once I had fulfilled my obligation with T’Pring. I still intended to sever our bond because I knew she abhorred me. But when I arrived I learned that they had reached Stonn after all. Our bond was severed with due haste and her Pon Farr was satisfied with her chosen one. “

“But your father. Why are you here now, Spock?”

“He has been responding to the treatments. Better than expected. And though it is not a certainty, they expect he will make a recovery in time.” Spock leaned forward on the couch now, his back still a line of rigidness. “I began to allow myself a shred of hope. And yet hope is a dangerous thing to have. Though my rejection of the Science Academy still weighs heavily upon my father and further strains our relationship, after much discussion with both him and my mother, I once more took my leave of Vulcan and returned here.”

Jim took a deep breath. “And what did you hope for, Spock?”

“You. I hoped for you, Jim.” 


	5. I Know That You Love Me

Jim gripped his knees just to keep his hands still. “Okay. Well. Is there anything else you’d like to tell me?”

Spock looked uncertain and a little uncomfortable. “Only that I regret immensely how I handled everything and I am sorry for causing you emotional pain.”

“Yeah, it…God, it was awful, Spock,” Jim said softly. “No one ever loved me like you did before and it was some sort of magical, to be honest. And to have that taken away, to doubt that any of it was real…I’ve never felt so alone my whole life. And that’s saying something.”

Spock lowered his gaze. “I am sorry. There is no excuse for what I did. I should have told you.”

“Yeah you should have.” Jim sighed. “I know you’re sorry, Spock. And I know you’re Vulcan and you process stuff different and I know all about family obligations.” Jim wiped his hand over his face. “The thing is, I think, I had a little hero worship of you.”

Spock looked at Jm. “I am no hero.”

“No,” Jim agreed, “you’re not. I was looking to you to be my savior, this magical fairytale prince that just didn’t exist. I had unrealistic expectations of what real relationships should be. You’re just as capable of fucking up as I am. As anybody is.”

“Jim, I—”

“I’m glad you came, Spock. But now I think you should leave.”

“I…what?”

Jim smiled without humor. “I learned a few things about myself, Spock. I wasn’t as mature as I thought I was. I was still acting like that teenaged boy hurt by the rejection of that girl I had the crush on. And God, I do love you. I really do. But I think love should make you stronger not weak and that’s what it was doing for me. I know you’re sorry and I think even in time I’ll forgive you, but right now, I think I need some time. To figure out who I am on my own before I figure out who I am with you.”

Spock had lost a little color. “I-I do not understand.”

“I know. But maybe after a little while, you will.”

Jim stood and walked over to Spock and reached down pulling the Vulcan to his feet. Spock allowed himself to be led to the door of the apartment, looking somewhat dazed.

He leaned over to Spock and touched his lips softly to Spock’s. He didn’t linger, but pulled back and opened the door. “Goodbye, Spock.”

Spock swallowed heavily, his expression anything but passive. “If I must beg I will do—”

“No. That’s really not it. No.” Jim touched his fingers to Spock’s cheek. “I would never ever humiliate you like that.”

“I love you, Jim.”

“And I love you, too.” He gently pushed Spock out the door. “I need some time.”

Spock opened his mouth to say something, Jim knew not what because he closed his mouth again and then nodded. Not looking at all happy but rather resigned. “Goodbye, Jim.”

Jim watched Spock walk away and then he closed the door, sagging against it, feeling pretty nauseous.

Had he done the right thing? Should he run after Spock?

If they were truly meant to be, then Spock would wait. And if he did not, well, Jim would live.

 

_Three months later_

 

“You okay, Jim?”

Jim looked up from the display of greeting cards he was perusing in the Academy drugstore to see Bones standing there.  “Hey.” He smiled at his friend. “When did you get here?”

“I was passing by the store and saw you,” Bones admitted. “An old fashioned card? What’s the occasion?”

“Mom’s birthday. I know it’s crazy but she’s kind of an old-fashioned girl. Woman. Mom.” Jim grinned.

“Isn’t she still on the ship?”

“Now yeah but her birthday isn’t until December and she said maybe she’d be around for Christmas.” Jim bit his lip. Glanced at his friend, who was suddenly looking at him with a lot of sympathy. “I’m kidding myself, aren’t I?”

Bones put his hand on Jim’s arm. “Your Mom means well, Jim. She always does. But sometimes she promises things she just can’t do. Maybe she will make it. But I don’t want you to get your hopes up.”

“Yeah.” Jim stuck the card he was holding back into the slot. “E-Card it is.”

“So, listen, Christine and I are going to dinner tonight and she has a friend named Janice. Want to come?”

The no was to his lips before he could stop it, but as he started to say it, he changed it to, “Sure.”

He could tell Bones was surprised by his acceptance. Jim didn’t date. Not since…well since. And honestly, he didn’t want to date now because of…well because. But he was hungry and this could be a casual thing.

“Great,” Bones said. “Let’s go then. I guess this friend is a vegetarian so we’re going to a vegetarian restaurant.” He paused. “That okay?”

Jim smiled brightly. “Of course it is. I can eat vegetarian.”

Bones rubbed his shoulder. “All right then. Let’s be on our way.”

Janice was gorgeous, she really was. Beautiful blonde hair. A little bit of a weird hairdo, Jim had to admit, but very pretty. Smart and funny, too. She’d make a good friend. And that was the problem. That was all she’d be.

And now playing in his head instead of _You Were Meant for Me_ was _Hopelessly Devoted to You_.

They stopped at the hostess desk to be seated and as Jim looked around the restaurant he saw Spock seated at a table nearby. It was one of those tables for two, but only Spock sat there. He was looking down at his PADD and there was a plate of half-finished vegetables in front of him as well as a small pot of tea.

God, he looked so sad.

Jim’s heart clenched and he took a step forward.

“Jim,” Christine said, placing her hand on his arm. “This way.”

He turned away from Spock and followed Christine to their table. The other three members of his party were chatting and carrying on and all Jim could think of was Spock. Jim had seen him around campus. Had tried to avoid him. Not because he didn’t want to see him. He did. But he was giving himself that space.

Now that he thought about it, Spock was always alone when he saw him. He was never even with Uhura. Jim hadn’t wanted him to be alone and isolated.

“I, uh, I gotta go to the bathroom,” Jim announced, sliding out of the booth. “Be right back.”

He saw the weird look from Bones but ignored it. Walked past the hostess’ desk and…the table Spock had been at was empty and the busboy was cleaning it. Jim clenched his fists, swallowing his disappointment.

“Jim?” Bones’ voice behind him. “What’s wrong?”

Jim shook his head. “I can’t stay.”

“What? Why?”

Jim closed his eyes briefly and then looked at Bones. “I have to go see Spock.”

Bones gaped at him. “Now?”

“I know. It doesn’t make sense. I just…I love him. I really love him. And I think I’m ready.”

“Ready?”

“To be with him. To forgive him. The timing is crap. I know that. Janice—”

“Hey. I’ll explain to Janice and Christine. Lord knows I wanted to punch that stupid hobgoblin in the face for hurting you, but I know you love him and though he acted like a shithead, I think he loves you too.”

Jim hugged his friend. “You’re the best ever.”

Bones patted his back. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll phaser him to goo if he hurts you again.”

Jim nodded, pulling back. “I know you will.”

Bones rubbed Jim’s hair. “Let me know you’re all right.”

Jim nodded and then turned to run out the door.

When he reached Spock’s building he had a moment where he thought, wait, what if Spock didn’t go straight home? That would probably be his luck. But heart in his throat, he rapped on the door and waited. Feeling a little giddy with relief when he heard soft footsteps.

The door opened just a fraction. And then he heard an audible gasp. A Vulcan gasping? That was a surprise. The door opened wider.

“Jim?”

“Hey. I…oh hell.” Jim launched himself at Spock, arms around the Vulcan’s neck as he kicked the door closed. He crushed Spock’s cool lips under his. “Don’t ever hurt me like that again.”

Spock clung to him, pulling Jim so tightly against him that Jim could hardly catch his breath. “I will not. I would not.”

“This is your one chance, Spock.”

“I would rather die in the fire of a volcano than hurt you again,” Spock vowed.

Jim framed Spock’s face, surprised at the feel of stubble, and kissed him soundly. “No one’s dying.”

“Jim, Jim, Jim,” Spock whispered, burying his face in Jim’s neck. “T’hy’la.”

Jim pulled back to look in those chocolate eyes. “What is that?”

“It is you. It is everything. It is-is…” Spock began to tremble uncontrollably.

“Hey, you’re shaking. Spock, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m right here.” Jim’s thumb brushed Spock’s cheek and he felt moisture.

“I thought-I thought I had lost-I thought I had lost you.” Spock’s hold on him was viselike now. 

“You had,” Jim whispered. “But I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.”

Spock nodded, still shaking. His hands were under Jim’s shirt, spreading out over bare skin. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Jim’s.

For a long time they just stayed like that, with Spock’s hands soothing circles in Jim’s skin, all over his back and sides, their foreheads leaned against each other. Little by little Spock’s tremors eased and then ceased altogether.

“Are you okay?” Jim asked softly.

“I am…emotionally compromised.”

“Yeah. Me too.” Jim pulled back and kissed Spock’s lips. “I need you. What did you say before? I don’t know where I begin and end without you? It’s the same for me.”

Spock closed his eyes. “Jim.”

“Take me to bed.”

Spock’s eyes snapped open. “Are you certain? There is-there is no way I can ever make it up to you for what I did to you.”

“All you can do is not do it again. Talk to me, Spock. Not Uhura. Not anyone else. Talk to _me_.” Jim looked into his eyes. “And I’ll do the same. If I have doubts, if I have problems, I’ll tell you. Neither of us is perfect.” He smiled as he stroked his thumb across Spock’s bottom lip. “But I was wrong.”

“Wrong?”

“You are my hero.”

Spock visibly swallowed and then Jim’s world tilted a little as Spock swept him up into his arms. Jim laughed.

“Hey!”

“I have three times your strength,” Spock reminded him.

“Yeah and it’s hot, I gotta say.”

Spock carried Jim toward the bedroom, what once was theirs and might be again, and when they stepped into the room, Jim saw the purple bear in the middle of the bed.  Spock followed his gaze as he set Jim onto his feet next to the bed.

“I acquired you a new Bugby,” Spock explained. “Doctor McCoy informed me yours had been soiled by your grief.”

“You talked to Bones?”

“Yes. There may have been one or two threats.”

“Uh.”

Spock shook his head as he picked up the bear. “I am gratified for his protection of you. I am ashamed that it is protection from me.”

Jim took the bear. It was soft and fluffy just like the other one had been and it smelled of Spock too. A lump formed in his throat. “You didn’t have to get me another.”

“Perhaps not. But I would acquire one hundred Bugbys if it would make you smile.”

Jim tossed aside the bear. “I really want you to fuck me.”

Spock exhaled. “I really want that too. If you are—”

“I am, yes,” Jim interrupted. He reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled off the shirt over his head. “Get naked.”

He kept his gaze on Spock as he sat on the bed to remove his sneakers. Then he unzipped his jeans and shimmied out of those, leaving them on the floor at his feet.

Spock had paused in the removal of his own clothes. “You-you are not wearing underthings.”

Jim grinned as he lay back on the bed, bracing himself on his elbows, in all his naked glory. “Nope.”

Spock swore something in Vulcan, at least it sounded like swearing to Jim, and then quickly divested himself of his clothes, joining Jim on the bed.

“Thought you’d never get here,” Jim whispered as he was suddenly crushed underneath a very heavy Vulcan.

“I thought so too,” Spock said, seriously. “I am deeply s—”

“Don’t,” Jim said, pressing his fingers to Spock’s lips. He sucked Spock’s index finger into his mouth, watching with delight as Spock shuddered, his cheeks turning a darker shade of green. He sucked harder and couldn’t help but be thrilled by Spock’s moan of pleasure as his eyes rolled back in his head.

“Jim,” Spock rasped. “I—”

“Like that. Yeah, I know. You kinky Vulcan.” He lifted Spock’s middle finger and inserted it in his mouth next to his other one. He dragged his tongue along them.

“A-Ashaya.”

He smiled around Spock’s finger and then released them with a slurp. “Oh no. No coming until you’re inside me.”

Jim slid his hand between their bodies and closed his fist around the double-ridged head of Spock’s cock. Hard as rock and steel but smooth as silk and satin. He licked his lips. “Can I taste you?”

“If you wish for me to come inside you then I would discourage that,” Spock said, his voice low and rumbly.

“Hmm. Not fair,” Jim said with a pout. “There’s nothing better than the taste of your cock.”

“Jim.”

He laughed. “Well.”

Spock’s lips curved in a rare smile. “I will taste you.”

Before he could even get out a squeak, Spock had slid down his body, lifted his legs, and stuck his tongue into Jim’s hole. Jim let out a high pitched whine. He clutched at the sheets and Spock’s tongue delved deeper together with his fingers slipping in next to his digits.

When Spock encircled Jim’s shaft with his other hand, Jim might have just screamed out Spock’s name. He was desperate, he was scrambling, squirming to get away, or squirming to get closer. God, it was all too much and not enough.

“Spock, I want-I want-”

Spock withdrew his tantalizing tongue. “Yes, ashaya?”

“Fuck me. Please. Fuck me. God, I need you.”

Mercifully, Spock’s fingers slipped out and he adjusted himself so that he was between Jim’s legs, his cock poised at Jim’s entrance. He could feel Spock’s slick as he pushed in far too slowly.

It had been an eternity since they’d joined like this. Since their bodies became one.

“Jim,” Spock choked out as he began to pivot deeply into Jim.

Jim hiked his legs up, wrapping them tightly around Spock’s waist as Spock thrust harder into him. Each brush of that double ridged cock on his prostate had Jim mewling like a wrung out kitten. Spock’s fingers dug into his hips, as he rocked frantically into Jim, pulsing, probing. Jim was floating on air, in space, amongst the stars.

“Please, please,” Jim begged. “Fill me.”

Spock’s thrust quickened more, became deeper still, imbedding himself within Jim’s body in such a way that it almost seemed like he was splitting Jim apart. And Jim welcomed it.

Spock growled and grunted, and then as he stiffened above Jim and Jim felt him release his seed inside him, Spock cried out, “Mine.”

But his Vulcan wasted no time resting, he withdrew from Jim almost instantly, placing his face between Jim’s legs once more and his mouth to Jim’s entrance, sucking there.

“Oh, fuck!” Jim keened, nearly coming off the bed as Spock continued to eat the cum out of his ass. Now Jim was seeing stars and he quickly grabbed his dick and pulled hard on it. It was enough. Jim came so hard it was like he was shooting rockets.

And then, finally, as Jim pushed at Spock to stop, he was too sensitive, the Vulcan moved away.

For a long time, they lay like that. Spock down near Jim’s hindquarters breathing heavily.

“Come here,” Jim urged after a bit. “Want to touch you.”

“One moment, my heart.”

Spock left the bed for the bathroom and Jim knew he was cleaning up and then would return to clean Jim. It was always that way. Spock taking care of Jim in even little things. He’d missed it. He’d missed this. But most of all, he missed the stupid Vulcan who owned his heart. His body. His soul.

He felt a warm wet cloth being smoothed over him everywhere, in very intimate places, but Spock knew all his intimate places, didn’t he?

A moment later and Spock was there, hovering over him, his fingers touching lightly on Jim’s face. Not a meld. A caress.

“One day,” said Spock softly. “I will be worthy of you. You will see.”

“Spock. You already are.”

“Negative. But I will work toward proving it to you. That there is nothing or no one as important, as cherished as you.”

“Ah, but don’t they teach you the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one?” Jim joked.

“Their teachings have no impact on us,” Spock said seriously. “I will worship you all the days that I have.”

Jim smiled. “Oh, honey. I don’t need to be worshipped. I just need your love.”

“You have it.”

“I’m yours, huh?”

Spock nodded, his dark eyes so intense. “As I am yours. Always.” He lowered his gaze. A humble Vulcan. “I will still beg for your forgiveness if that is what you wish. I will get down on my knees.”

“No, honey. I would never ever make you do that. You made a mistake. It hurt me, yes, but I’m not going to spend my life in bitterness. I won’t allow us to be miserable and lonely due to a stubborn will to hang onto that hurt. You already promised not to hurt me again.”

“Yes.” His eyes and voice were solemn.

“I love you.”

“I worship you,” Spock replied. He started moving down Jim’s body again.

“Spock, I already told you—uh. Well.” Jim swallowed. “Maybe a little worship is okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the deal. Originally this was just going to be written as a flash fic prompt for a blog I have. My friend and I do that on Fridays. The prompt was a breakup and a makeup but as I was writing this it was too long. I wrote something else for the prompt and decided it would be cool to post this on the archive and expand it. But I already have too many wips so I didn't want to add this with no end in sight. So I wrote this with the promise it would be done. Clearly it's not for everyone and I accept that. As always, thanks for reading.


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